A woman is frustrated that her boyfriend hasn’t “kept to his timeline” on their plans to get engaged.
The 29-year-old woman wrote to the Dear Abby column to share her dilemma and seek some much-needed advice. She began by explaining that she and her partner “Jeremy” have been together for six years and have talked about getting engaged.
Early on in their relationship, Jeremy even “set the timeline for an expectation of when he’d propose — by five or 30” (meaning either we’ve been together for five years or he hits [age] 30),” the woman said.
Those two milestones came and went last year, but no proposal happened. Now, the woman is feeling pressure from friends and family. “I am mortified because I keep getting asked by people, ‘Why not?’ I don’t have an answer, except that Jeremy is just not ready,” she wrote.
The woman shared that Jeremy’s reasoning for not wanting to get engaged yet is that he wants to pay off some debts before buying a ring for her. “But we are both saving and living well below our means, and I don’t want anything expensive,” she pointed out, while complaining that the two don’t seem to share the same priorities.
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“Jeremy is focused on his physical training and his hobbies. I’m ready to buy a home, get married, maybe even start a family, but I feel like we’re stuck in the post-college lifestyle,” she wrote.
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The woman said her attempts to reason with her boyfriend “fall on deaf ears,” and Jeremy argues that “the commitment is already there [between them] and that he will get to a place where he feels he’s ready.”
She added, “He also told me the only reason he’d ever propose is because I want it — because it has no meaning or joy for him!”
The woman said she’s been left feeling “confused and worried that something wrong with me.” And she finds herself constantly looking around and comparing herself to others — which is only fueling her frustration.
“All my friends are married. They have bought homes and are starting families,” she noted. “I’m tired of waiting for this train to come in, and I’m resentful that he hasn’t kept to his timeline.”
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She even admitted that she’s not sure she will say “yes” at this point if Jeremy does propose. “Do I run for the hills or trust him to keep his word?” she concluded her letter, which she signed, “Waiting and Waiting.”
In her response, columnist Abigail Van Buren urged the woman to take some time to carefully reflect on her situation. “When a man tells you that marriage has no meaning or joy for him and that he will propose when he feels ready but still isn’t ready after five years, you have some important decisions to make about your future,” she wrote.
“Trying to wrestle a marriage proposal out of him because your friends have all married and started families does not guarantee that your union would be a happy one,” she also noted.
She left the woman with a final piece of advice: to remind Jeremy on last time that marriage is very important to her and that he has not “kept his word” about the five-year-timeline. If Jeremy still won’t make the commitment she desires, the columnist advised, “Then move on, so you won’t be writing in ANOTHER five years about this same problem.”
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