Scheana Shay Says She’s Choosing ‘Quality Over Quantity’ with Her Friendships to ‘Protect’ Her Energy: ‘It’s Been Freeing’

Scheana Shay is opening up about her decision to tighten her friend group and focus her energy on nurturing the relationships in her life that “feel mutual, supportive and grounded.”

She delved into the topic on the Jan. 9 episode of her podcast, Scheananigans with Scheana, speaking about how she had always been a person who “felt a responsibility to keep up with everyone, to check in, to be available, to make sure no one feels forgotten” among her many friends. “It’s hard because it’s like when you’re that busy, it can just start to feel overwhelming really quickly,” she admitted.

Shay, 40, has since come to learn that “balance doesn’t mean giving equal energy to everyone.” Instead, she said she believes it means “giving intentional energy to the people who are also showing up for you.”

With this new shift in her mindset, she is no longer managing friendships “out of obligation,” but instead leaning into the relationships that are reciprocal and supportive.

“At this stage in my life, I’m choosing to protect my time and my energy a lot more. I’ve finally learned what boundaries are,” she explained. “And it doesn’t mean I value people any less. It just means I’m being more mindful where I invest, and I’m making sure those relationships feel reciprocal more than draining.”

“It’s been very freeing for me,” she added.

Shay said she has two particular friends, Maddie and Christy, whom she’s been spending “the most time” with lately. “This past year, stepping away from the show, I got so much closer with them. We took a trip to New York, and we really, really bonded. We all have the same attachment style,” she shared. “We all have just similar goals and interests in life, and they’re very positive lights in my life.”

“I’ve also got a whole group of mom friends who I’ve met through my daughter [Summer Moon]’s preschool,” she continued. “That has really helped me be in this positive space that I’m in right now, because you really are who you surround yourself with. And I’m choosing to surround myself with women who build me up and make me feel good about myself, not people I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around.”

Addressing where she stands with her friendships with her former VPR and The Valley castmates, Shay said she is still “good friends with all of them.”

“I talked to Brittany [Cartwright] the other day. I talked to Janet [Caperna] yesterday. I’m seeing Michelle [Saniei] on Thursday for dinner. Jasmine [Goode] and I hang out. Zack [Wickham], Kristen [Doute], I just talked to. So they are still all of my friends,” she said.

“They’re all very much in my life, and TBD, what happens with the future of The Valley and myself,” Shay added, referring to possible future guest appearances on the Bravo reality show. “But I just needed to step away for me, and I think that time away from doing the show is very healing for me.”

Sharing her advice on how to achieve “quality over quantity” with friendships, Shay explained that “clarity” comes with looking at who is there during “the harder seasons” and not just “the good times.”

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“And for me,” she added, “it’s about paying attention to how I feel after interactions. It’s, you know, questioning, did I feel supported? Or, you know, did I feel drained or judged or like I had to perform?”

“I think as I’ve gotten older — because as we know, I’m 40, turning 41 this year — I just really value depth over access, and I don’t need a huge circle,” Shay noted. “I need a few people who I can fully trust, who celebrate my wins without jealousy, and just sit with me with my losses without judgment. … The smaller your circle gets, the cleaner it becomes who truly belongs in it.”